For many people, especially these days, awareness of neurodivergence comes about in later life not in the developmental stages. Quite a few are well into adulthood before they begin to suspect they may display signs of ADHD, Autism, Dyspraxia or any other neurodivergent traits. Often after already spending years feeling “different”, being exhausted by social norms, or feeling confused as to why other people seem to find life so easy.
The experience of this realisation can be liberating but also challenging in many ways. It is rarely a simple process with a clear moment of revelation but usually a gradual process of incorporating new information and reframing old.
How this idea enters a person’s awareness is different for everyone. Perhaps you read something and found it to resonate, you could become aware through hearing someone describe their experience, in person or online, or you could find yourself identifying with a friend or relative who has recently been identified as neurodivergent. This often comes after years of feeling a sense of being “other” a lingering impression that your experience of the world is significantly different from the experiences of people around you, or that the world isn’t quite built for you. Lifelong patterns start to make sense, and the puzzle pieces start to fit together.
An adult may recognise chronic feelings of being overwhelmed, frequent states of burnout, executive function difficulties, finding social situations challenging, a sense of alienation or other signs that they may have dealt with for decades. These traits and experiences can then start to look different, what once was seen as laziness, awkwardness, oversensitivity or other types of inadequacy can all start to look very different through a neurodivergent lens.
This process can be very validating and liberating and it can also present its own challenges. Often people will question themselves in this process in a way that can be destabilising. Questions like “Am I imagining all of this?” or “how did nobody notice before now?” or “am I just jumping on a bandwagon?” are common. The reality is that as we have come to better understand neurodivergence the spectrum of what that includes has expanded to include more people. Whereas in the past it was not as well understood leading to many people being overlooked or misdiagnosed.
As the realisation settles in, a person may feel a need or desire to seek a formal diagnosis. Diagnosis can be very useful, providing access to workplace or educational accommodations, access to better supports and provide better understanding of one’s own experience. However, the diagnosis process can be long and complex. It can be difficult to access formal diagnosis in Ireland as there is a relatively small number of qualified people offering it as a service, the waiting lists can be long, and the price of assessment often being prohibitively expensive.
Many people in this circumstance are content to, and find great value in, relying on self-identification without pursuing formal diagnosis. Within neurodivergent communities, thoughtful and considered self-identification is usually seen as valid and treated as such.
One of the most profound aspects of later life identification is the reinterpretation and recontextualization of early life experiences through a neurodivergent lens. Memories of childhood adolescence and adulthood can take on new meaning.
You may remember experiences of social exclusion, struggling in education or work, feeling consistently misunderstood, or being overwhelmed by things that others find easy, and feel very differently about them. Career struggles, relationship difficulties and periods of burnout may suddenly appear not as evidence of inadequacy, but as the consequences of navigating a world that was not designed for you. Through this process self-blame can be gradually reformed into self-compassion and self-understanding. Years of shame at being “weird” or “not good enough” can start to fall away.
While this can be a very positive and healing process it can also be challenging and intense. There is sometimes a grieving process involved in integrating a neurodivergent identity. You may grieve missed support, lost opportunities, damaged self-esteem, or years spent misunderstanding yourself. Some mourn the absence of accommodations that could have reduced suffering earlier in life. Others grieve relationships affected by chronic masking or burnout. Some will even feel anger toward systems, families, or professionals who failed to recognise their needs. Importantly, grief does not mean the discovery is negative. Rather, it reflects the emotional impact of finally understanding oneself after years of confusion or struggle. Grief and relief often coexist.
After the point of realisation most people eventually end up working towards integrating this new understanding into their identity and lifestyle. Finding new approaches to career, relationships and social life. Identifying masking features, learning about your own needs and connecting with neurodivergent communities are all useful steps on this journey.
Knowing how to approach this journey and which steps to take can be daunting though. Working with any professional who operates from a neurodiversity affirmative approach can be so helpful in navigating this process. This is a philosophy that view neurodivergence as natural aspects of human variety rather than as defects and, without minimising challenges, focusses on strengths, insights, authenticity and alternative ways of thinking. Finding a therapist, or other supports, that will treat your strengths and weaknesses with compassion, patience and understanding can unlock the door to treating yourself in the same way.
Late life identification is not about finding out what’s “wrong” with you, it’s about finding a new perspective that finally explains who you have always been and in that perspective finding relief, self-compassion and the potential to lead a fuller more authentic life.
