A former colleague of mine said to me many years ago that unprocessed trauma results in us reacting in the present to what happened in the past. Reacting in the present as a result of what happened to us in the past is such a simple and often accurate way to look at trauma. Many believe trauma is an overused term in modern life. The true essence of trauma stems from a profoundly distressing or disturbing experience that impacts a person’s sense of self, and often their ability to incorporate the event or events into their life. How events impact individuals lives is unique to that individual and resultant of factors such as life experiences, genetics, perceptions, tolerance levels, ability to cope, to name a few. So for example, while some soldiers who have been involved in war develop Post traumatic stress disorder, many others do not. So, essentially, the capacity to process and repair a traumatic event without avoidance of the event is crucial if we are to allow ourselves the chance to live in the present without being defined by the events of the past. It is important to note, that avoiding the hurt of traumatic incidents is not a weakness but a means of self-protection. This self-protection can often manifest in avoidant behaviours of different kinds and serves a purpose as a way of coping and attempting to tolerate extreme life events.
What we learn about safety and trust in childhood are the foundations with which we build our ability to manage life’s events as we get older, whether the events are seemingly small, difficult or indeed traumatic. If as children, we learn that when something challenging happens to us and we do not have the safety, security and support to process the event and recover from it, we find ways to cope that prevent us from healing. A simple example of this in early childhood is when a toddler falls down and hurts him/her self and is crying, a secure attachment figure like a mother or father helps soothe the toddler, affirming their discomfort and slowly, empathically helps them to process the event until the toddler realises they are ok to move on and do something else. Contrast this example with the same event experienced by the same toddler where the parental response is to blame the toddler for falling, telling them not to be so stupid the next time and to go away and get over it. What must it be like for the kid who deeply craves the safety and security of their parent and yet is given the message that it is not available for them. As you can see, there is a radical difference in how this toddler experience dictates their learning and impacts their perception of the world. As parents, we ourselves have often grown up with insufficiently safe and secure attachment, learnings we often repeat with our own children. Thus the importance of early life secure attachment relationships are hugely defining on later life and on our ability as adults to process and heal from the imprint of trauma.
Remembering that with traumatic events, the trauma is usually over and was an event that happened in the past, but often the injury from the trauma is what remains. For those thinking that they have not provided this secure attachment relationship with their kids, or indeed, they themselves have not experienced this secure attachment, it is never too late to become that secure, safe figure your kids or indeed you or your partner need. It starts with having the courage to begin to process your own trauma imprints.
The author, Mark Gleeson is an Adult and Specialist Adolescent Psychotherapist and Guidance Counsellor from Dublin, Ireland.
