STI stands for sexually transmitted infection. It means an infection that passes from one person to another mainly through sexual contact. The HSE explains that most STIs pass through condomless oral, anal or vaginal sex, and that some, such as genital warts and herpes, can also spread through skin-to-skin contact. You may still see the older term STD (sexually transmitted disease). It covers the same conditions, but we use STI because many infections never become a "disease" with symptoms.
That matters for this conversation. Many STIs cause no symptoms at all. The HSE notes that half of men and 7 in 10 women with chlamydia have no symptoms. So feeling well tells neither of you much. A test is the only way to know your current status, and that is true for your new partner as much as for you. Seen that way, this is a conversation between two people about their sexual health, not a confession from one of them.
When and how to tell a new partner
We'd suggest talking before any sexual contact, at a time when you both have privacy and nobody is under pressure to decide anything straight away. The moment just before sex, or after a few drinks, is usually the hardest time to take in news calmly. A quiet evening in, or a walk where you can talk without being overheard, gives you both room to think.
It helps to practise what you'll say, out loud or written down. You don't need a speech. Something like "Before we have sex, I want to tell you about my sexual health" is clear and calm, and it gives your partner a moment to tune in. Then say the facts plainly. If you have been worrying about this for weeks, the words may come out in a rush. That's fine. You can slow down and start again.
How you have the conversation can matter as much as when. There is no single right way, and some people find writing easier than speaking.
| Method | When it may help |
|---|---|
| In person | When it feels safe and you both have time to talk it through |
| Phone or video | When distance or schedules make meeting difficult |
| Text or message | When writing helps you say it clearly, or when meeting would not feel safe |
If you have any reason to think your partner might react with intimidation, threats or violence, your safety comes first. Don't meet them alone to have this conversation. A message may be safer, and a sexual health clinic can help you work out how to let them know. If you are ever in immediate danger, call 112 or 999, go to your nearest emergency department, or call Samaritans on 116 123. The HSE lists urgent and emergency care services across the country.
What to share with your partner
Your partner needs enough information to make their own choices. That usually means telling them which infection it is, whether it is current or has been treated, how it spreads, what treatment involved and what the clinic advised you. If you were treated for chlamydia and retested clear, that is a different conversation from living with herpes or HPV, the virus behind genital warts. The HSE's page on genital warts, for example, explains that the virus can stay in the skin, that warts can come back, and that it can pass on even when no warts are visible. Pointing your partner to a reliable HSE page means they can read it in their own time rather than relying on what you remember from the clinic.
Try not to frame it as anyone's fault, including your own. A diagnosis does not prove when or from whom an infection was picked up, particularly with infections that can sit quietly for months or years without symptoms. Blame, whether you turn it on yourself or on a past partner, tends to close a conversation down just when you need it to stay open.
This is also a natural point to talk about both of you. Ask when your partner was last tested and suggest you both test before you have sex. Then agree together on practical ways to lower risk: condoms, completing any treatment, and avoiding sex until the clinic says it is safe. The HSE advises, for instance, that someone being treated for chlamydia should avoid all sex, even with a condom, until treatment is finished.
Invite their questions, but don't push for a response there and then. "You don't have to say anything now" can take a great deal of pressure off you both.
Handling your partner's reaction
Your partner may be surprised. They may have questions you can't answer, or want some time on their own before they talk again. All of that is a reasonable response to new information, and it isn't a verdict on you. Try to stay calm, answer what you can, and accept that they have a right to make an informed choice about their own body.
What you don't have to accept is being shamed, called names or threatened. If that happens, you can end the conversation. Rejection after you have been honest can hurt a lot, and it may stir up the embarrassment you felt when you were first diagnosed. It still says nothing about your worth. You did the right thing by telling them. If this has left you feeling stuck in shame, our post on understanding shame may help you make sense of it.
The conversation may well go better than you fear. Even when it is awkward, it sets something useful in place early on: you are two people who can talk about sex and health honestly. That kind of openness tends to help a relationship long after the STI conversation is over. We've written more about this in should we talk about previous sexual partners?
If a new partner tells you they have an STI
If it's your partner who raises it, start by thanking them. It probably took real courage, and how you respond in the first few minutes will shape how safe they feel being honest with you in future. You're allowed to feel surprised or unsure. You can say so, and still say it kindly.
Then ask what their doctor or clinic advised about treatment, testing and reducing the chance of passing it on. Rather than relying on guesswork or what you have read online, get your own advice. A free HSE sexual health clinic or your GP can tell you what testing makes sense for you and when. Taking the facts to a professional usually turns a frightening unknown into something manageable.
Support with this conversation
For medical questions, testing and treatment, your GP or a public sexual health clinic is the right first step. The HSE's sexual wellbeing pages also cover free condoms, testing and consent.
Sometimes the medical side is clear and the hard part is everything around it. You might feel too ashamed to say the words, keep putting the conversation off, or find a diagnosis has knocked your confidence in dating altogether. Talking this through with one of our therapists in individual counselling can help you understand what is getting in the way and plan what you want to say. If you are already together and the conversation has shaken things between you, couples counselling gives you both a calm space to talk it through. Where an STI has changed how you feel about sex itself, our sex therapy service is there for exactly that. We see people in Dublin, Galway and through online therapy, which some people find easier for a subject this personal.
You are far from the only person who finds sex hard to talk about. Our post on why it's so hard for Irish adults to talk about sex looks at why.
FAQs
Do I need to disclose an STI that has already been treated?
It depends on the infection. Bacterial infections such as chlamydia can be cured, and once a clinic has confirmed you are clear there may be nothing your partner needs to know for their health, though some people choose to share anyway. Viral infections such as herpes and HPV can stay in the body and pass on without symptoms, so we'd encourage telling a new partner. If you are unsure, ask the clinic that treated you.
Is there a legal obligation to tell a sexual partner about an STI in Ireland?
There is no specific Irish law requiring you to disclose an STI. However, HIV Ireland notes that, for HIV, general offences under the Non-Fatal Offences Against the Person Act 1997, such as endangerment or causing serious harm, can and have been used where someone intentionally or recklessly put a partner at substantial risk or passed the infection on. If you are worried about your own situation, speak to a solicitor.
Where can my partner and I get STI testing in Ireland, and is it free?
Yes, there are free options. HSE sexual health clinics offer free testing and treatment, and you can contact them directly without a GP referral. Anyone aged 17 or over living in the Republic of Ireland can also order a free home STI test, which checks for chlamydia, gonorrhoea, HIV and syphilis. Testing together can make the whole thing feel more shared.
Can a previous partner be notified anonymously about an STI?
Partner notification is a standard part of STI care, and the HSE says your doctor or nurse will discuss with you how recent partners can be offered testing and treatment. If you would rather not contact a previous partner yourself, ask the clinic that diagnosed you whether they can let that person know without giving your name.
Talking to us when you're ready
If anxiety, shame or worry about a relationship is making this conversation feel impossible, you don't have to work it out alone. Our sessions are confidential, and our current fees are on our prices page. Whenever you feel ready, you can book a session online with one of our therapists.