The surest way to spice up your sex life is to talk honestly with your partner, look after the closeness between you outside the bedroom, and try small changes you both actually want. Novelty helps, but only when neither of you feels pressured into it.
If things have gone quiet or predictable, nothing has gone wrong with you. Desire rises and falls across any long relationship, and a routine is usually a sign of a full life (work, children, money, tiredness) rather than a failing one.
Talking to your partner about wanting more variety
Choose a relaxed, neutral moment for this conversation: a walk, a quiet evening, a drive. We'd steer you away from raising it during sex or straight after one of you has said no, because at those moments even a gentle suggestion can land as criticism.
Start from what you'd like rather than what's missing. "I'd love us to try…" or "I really miss the way we used to…" invites your partner in, while "We never…" tends to put them on the defensive. Then ask, and listen properly: what do they enjoy now, what do they miss, and what would they like more or less of? After years together it's easy to assume you know the answers, and you may be surprised.
Neither of you should feel pushed. A "not now" or a "no" is an answer to respect, not a starting point for negotiation, and either of you can change your mind at any point, even about something you agreed to last week. That safety is what makes it possible to be playful.
If talking face to face feels awkward, try a "yes, no, maybe" list. Each of you privately sorts ideas into things you'd like to try, things you don't want, and things you might consider, then you compare and start with the shared "yes" answers. If sex was rarely discussed in your family growing up, our piece on why it is so hard for Irish adults to talk about sex may help.
Simple ideas to spice up your relationship
Good sex rarely starts in the bedroom. How you treat each other on an ordinary Tuesday has more bearing on desire than anything you do in the few minutes before sex. The ideas below are options, not a checklist. Pick one or two that appeal to you both, and don't expect the first attempt to be perfect.
| Area | Ideas to try | Keep in mind |
|---|---|---|
| Connection outside the bedroom | A regular date, a new shared activity, compliments, hugs that go nowhere, an hour with phones in another room | Small, steady gestures matter more than one big night out |
| Anticipation | Flirting during the day, a romantic message, consensual sexting, planning private time for later in the week | Only send images you are both comfortable with, and agree what happens to them |
| A change of scene | A hotel night or a staycation, even one night while someone minds the children | Enjoy the time together without expecting it to be spectacular |
| Sensual touch | A hand, foot or full body massage, taking turns to give and receive without heading for intercourse | Slow down and stay with the sensation rather than the goal |
| Something different in bed | New positions, a game, sex toys, sharing fantasies, role play | Agree beforehand and check in as you go |
| Self-pleasure | Getting to know what you enjoy on your own, then sharing it | Knowing your own body makes it easier to ask for what you want |
| Learning together | A relationship book, a workshop, conversation cards | Choosing a book together can open a conversation in itself |
Rebuilding intimacy when sex has become routine
When sex has dropped off, many couples also stop touching in passing, because every hug starts to feel like a question. Try bringing back affection with no agenda: holding hands, a long kiss in the kitchen, lying close on the sofa. When touch stops being a route to sex, both of you can relax into it, and desire has more room to return.
Scheduling intimate time can sound unromantic, but we think it protects something that busy routines squeeze out. Book the time and leave what happens in it open. It might be sex, a massage or an hour in bed talking. The planning gives you the space; it doesn't oblige anyone to perform.
It is very common for one partner to want sex more often than the other, and neither of you is the problem. Get curious about what helps each of you feel desire, look for a rhythm you can both live with, and remember that intercourse is not the only way to be sexual together. Going along with sex out of duty tends to drain desire further.
Desire is also affected by things outside the relationship. The NHS lists stress, anxiety, depression, having a baby, certain medicines such as antidepressants and blood pressure medicine, and hormonal contraception among the common causes of a low sex drive. The HSE includes reduced sex drive and vaginal dryness among the common symptoms of perimenopause and menopause, and your GP can recommend treatments. If you think a medicine is affecting your desire, talk to your GP before you stop or change it. Our therapy for menopause gives space for the emotional side of that change too.
Exploring fantasies, toys and role play safely
Trying something new works best when you have talked first. Share what appeals and what is off limits, and agree a word or signal for "slow down" and another for "stop". Choose something neither of you would say by accident, and agree that using it is never a big deal.
Start small. You might describe a fantasy before acting any of it out. Check in during the experience with a quiet "is this good?", and talk afterwards about what you enjoyed and anything that felt uncomfortable. That conversation is what helps experimenting feel safe the next time.
A few practical points:
- Choose body-safe toys from a reputable seller and clean them according to the maker's instructions.
- The HSE advises that you can reduce the risk of passing on an infection by not sharing sex toys, or by washing them between each person's use or using a new condom each time.
- Check that your lubricant suits both the toy and any condom. The HSE notes that condoms can be damaged by oil-based lubricants like Vaseline.
- Keep thinking about contraception and STI protection, especially in a newer relationship.
Keep experimenting private and lawful. A hotel room or a different room at home brings plenty of novelty without the risks of sex in a public place.
When sex therapy or couples counselling may help
Some couples can make these changes on their own. For others, the same conversation turns into the same argument every time. We'd suggest professional support when talking keeps ending in a row, when a difference in desire is causing real hurt, when trust has been broken, or when intimacy has quietly disappeared and neither of you knows how to bring it back.
Our sex therapy sessions give you a calm space to talk about sex in detail without embarrassment, and our couples counselling looks at the wider relationship, from communication to resentment built up over years. If the difficulty sits more in the relationship than the bedroom, read how we approach relationship difficulties. You can come together or on your own, in Dublin, Galway or online.
Therapy isn't a quick fix, and we won't promise a particular result. What it offers is time and a structured way to understand what is happening between you. Some things need a medical check as well: pain during sex, erection difficulties, bleeding after sex or a sudden change in sexual function should be seen by your GP, and therapy can work alongside that. Our article on help when sexual intercourse is painful explains more.
FAQs
What happens during sex therapy, and does it actually work?
Sex therapy is a talking therapy, with no physical contact or undressing in sessions. Your therapist will ask about your relationship, your history and what you'd like to change, and may suggest exercises to try at home, such as structured touching that takes the pressure off. How much it helps depends on the issue and on what each of you brings, so we don't make promises, but you can read more about what is involved in the sex therapy process.
How much does sex therapy or couples counselling cost in Ireland?
Fees and availability vary between practitioners and depend on the type and length of session. Our current fees are on our prices page. It's also worth asking whether your health insurance or workplace assistance programme contributes.
How can we find a qualified sex therapist or couples counsellor in Ireland?
Look for a therapist who belongs to a recognised professional body and has training in relationship or psychosexual work. The Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (IACP) directory lets you search by issue and location, and the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (COSRT) keeps a register of psychosexual and relationship therapists. Our guide on how to find a sex therapist covers what to ask before you book.
Your next step
Pick one low-pressure idea from this article, perhaps an evening without phones or a "yes, no, maybe" list, and talk it over with your partner this week. Small changes made together tend to matter more than grand gestures.
If you'd like support along the way, we're here whenever you feel ready. What you tell us stays confidential, and nothing you bring will shock or embarrass us. You can get in touch with our team to find the right therapist for you, in Dublin, Galway or online.